Part 1.... chapter 1 2006

 
I have always found writing a release. A conversation and a relationship with pen and paper and now a keyboard, that I can't find with anyone person.
Communication and understanding is a problem us humans have. We've been around long enough to understand how to communicate the language we invented. But never seem to get the meaning.
Here in my Journal, starting in 2006, I am opening up my world for you to come in and get to know me a year before the accident that made me a paraplegic, And from there on.​

So here I am, sitting in front of the computer blessing the gods already for the spell and grammar check, because I know I'm gonna need it! So far I've got three red squiggly lines, and I'm only on my first paragraph...

This last year has been crazy. Rushing around for this, hanging on for that, haggling for the better price, fixing what's broken, replacing what's been nicked, biting the heads of little children and watching grown men cry... Battling with deliveries, getting crap service on and off line. The banks never having enough change and most mornings not being able to park my Jeep outside the bar. These are just a few of the high lights of this last year.

There really hasn't been that much time to stop and think about what I'm doing, but now the time has come for me to decide what direction I want to go in. The second half of the first year showed that I was at a slight loss. After the initial fad had passed business settled down to a good supply of regular customers while pulling in a good few new faces. And although keeping afloat, improvements must be made in order for the business to survive another year.
Expanding downstairs I am hoping, is going to be a worthy plan, with the bar on the ground floor it opens up the doors to the whole world, and with a function room upstairs we can have more live music, DJ nights... and an office maybe?...

So what will be different this time If I go for downstairs?

Firstly, no crap workmen, better planning and lots of food.

It's 6.07 am I've been awake all night, back and forth to this bloody computer. The sun showed it's head not long after 5 am, I tried to go back to sleep then, but it was too bright. So, what to do today?... Go shopping, tidy the fiat, walk the dog, go to cash an' carry, buy a new bowl for the flat, go to the beach, clean up the garden, buy a wardrobe, paint the flat. God there's so much to be done to the flat maybe I'll just sell it, then I wouldn't have to clean it. We could start afresh, a brand new spanking tidy clean flat or house, yeah, a house would be nice... with a big garden....and views. You've got to have views..

It's quiz-night tonight at the bar. I've prepared forty questions - bit of this, bit of that—you know. Let's see who's going to moan this week!... I think I'll make the quiz a bit more exciting for them from next week, not sure how though. Maybe I could introduce bonus questions to win prizes - prizes being brand promotional give-aways of course, that I have for free from the breweries .
We could start with the Fosters Fleece' and then move on to the Strongbow t-shirts and drip trays and other bits of complete crap I've been sent. I'm sure I got a really nice John Smiths clock, lots of key-rings and packs of cards etc... clogging up valuable storage space somewhere.
Yes, a bonus question called out in the 1st and 2nd half of the quiz. Player who shouts back the right answer will win the prize, or even better, the player could choose the prize - make them feel loved - or one of the shots on offer to drink. Think we got something here, this could take off...big time! ;-)

I wonder why I can't sleep? it's 6.54 am, it seems pointless going to bed now although I feel I could sleep for a week. The sun is bursting through the window burning my back, it's gonna be a scorcher today. Maybe I'll go to town and tidy the flat later.

It's mad being awake all night thinking endless amounts of rubbish, how the mind just travels off without you and before you know it your right in the middle of a thought - what if I do?... maybe if I?... what happens if?... Endless amounts of up's an down's, lefts and rights, yes's and no's, hey's and nays. There are plenty of hours in the day to have confusion in the mind, I just don't need it throughout the night as well.

It feels strange on reflection just how much I've achieved over the past two years. I've bought my flat, opened up Crowley's Rock Bar with plans for extending downstairs — or buying another pub somewhere, for the right price of course. It hasn't been to hard to achieve, surprisingly easy once the first move was made. After that it just all fell into place. It's been a great challenge, one which certainly brought with it, its own stressful times. Very much like ground hog day. You know when you see the same faces everyday, and have the same conversations. You know what they're gonna drink, who they're gonna ask dropped in and where they're gonna sit. You know how many fags they're likely to smoke and if they've come to see you and have a pint or just dropped by to use the toilet because the bar was closer than the Spar for toilet roll. But all in all it's been great.

The freedom to make decisions and act without having to wait for the green light from someone above me is great. The extra cash always comes in handy, although there's not much time to spend it. It's not a good investment for me to buy new clothes when I work in the same style and colour 18 hours a day— by the time I get the chance to wear new clothes out, they've gone out of fashion. 
Anything bought for the flat never gets seen or used because I'm never there. It generally gets forgotten about until tidy up day comes along, and I find it under old newspapers and letters or a thick layer of dust.
If I go out on the piss I cant  pull a sickie, so I wake up to another ground hog day with a hangover, and empty pockets, where's the fun in that. God... is there a god? Under these circumstances I do believe there is NOT!

I've just had one of those flying in and straight back out thoughts - I'll  buy a new desk chair, this one is so uncomfortable, really gives my back jip.

Smoking... terrible habit... terribly unhealthy... stinky smelly habit... but like it. I like it a lot. This being said though I have been thinking of trying - and I use the word trying loosely - to give up. The other day I realised that I've been smoking since I was 7 or 8 years old and considering I'm now 36 it"s been quite some time that me old lungs have been battling to get some clean pure air inside them. God it's so hard going without a fag, well no that's a lie, I don't mind going without the tobacco it's the marijuana I can't stop worshipping. I do love a big fat joint after a long day/night working the Bar. It's such a lush way to unwind. But the years of neglect are starting to take they're toll. Coughing fits in the morning, lungs wheezing at night, out of breath from just stirring the coffee. Even the eyes are starting to turn yellow. My skin ain't to bad at the moment but it's only a matter of time.
God, could death be any closer...

The other day some young guy said to me at the bar that l looked really good for my age!... My age!... Am I supposed to feel good about this, have I entered the stage of life where age is the only point of recognition. Well this does not please me... Still, four years from forty... I still got it... not for much longer though if I keep with the wacky backy. I've always said I'll give up before my 45 th birthday. We see...

I think the reason why I haven't been able to sleep is because it's a New moon. It doesn't matter that I haven't slept a wink because the new day has arrived. There's no denying that, and I'm so tired. I feel like I've been sitting at this computer for days, weeks even. My arm is so numb it has left me for I feel it no more. Maybe I should take a break to try and get the circulation going again. The time now is 9.42 am.

Slave to the keyboard, that's me, the time is now 13.55 pm. When I took a break earlier I passed out on the sofa.

Well the day is in full swing with lots of noise pollution to greet my awakening hour. Everyone and their dog must be out mowing their lawn. The flat is empty, everybody has left. As I look around I see all the jobs that haven't been done. Dirty jobs, you know the ones. The ones that everybody hates doing. Dirty dishes in the sink, rubbish over spilling from the bin, beds not freshly made. Well if I manage to find the energy later, I may get on with it or may leave it all for my teenage breathing spending machine to do when she gets home from school.

It's a really nice day, no wonder everybody's out. I may join them if I can tear myself away from this computer. I fancy doing loads today but probably wont do anything, haven't got enough energy. Plus, who would I hang out with? I have friends but I don't have a best friend so to speak. No hip and happening people living in the suburbs for me to call in on. Who needs that...
​Well the longer I stay on this computer the less time I'll have for the sun, I better go.
















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