Part 3...Chapter 7... 2007/08...

​In the beginning God said, ‘Let there be light’. Why couldn’t he have said, ‘Let there always be everlasting memory’. It would be such a help lol. Are you hearing me God?
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Today I want to scream out my pain. Rip out all the metal in my spine. Punch my partner in the face and skip down the road with joy… It’s just a moment’s thought of everything I can’t do, but filtering out how I feel right now…

I’m not feeling over excited about life today. I’m not feeling down or mopey. I’m feeling bored and bloody frustrated with life in general. For obvious reasons I care not to repeat. But I probably will.

Since I’ve been home so much has changed. Life is different and things are changing rapidly for me as a paraplegic. Not just for me, but for all of us here at home.

My birthday celebrations in bed with all the desire for lust, love and new positions was just an imaginary dream. A fantasy all for myself. My partner was already fake dosing on the sofa, while I said good night to my last leaving guests.
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It wasn’t difficult to work out what he was telling me. The answer was a definite no, no, to the slap and tickle I long to try even without the feel lol.

​Firmly grasping my half bottle of champagne between my thighs I wheeled over to nudge him and ask for help onto my bed. I fell asleep not long after my head hit the pillow. Zzzz

Months have passed since my last entry of thoughts. We don’t have as many visitors now but have had people coming and going. Been here and there ourselves, but everything has come to the point of stale mate. 

In and out of hospital wasn’t on my to do list after I left Llandough Hospital in December 2007. Making it nearly a year come Christmas, that I’ve been home.

I’ve wanted to do so much. My Rock Bar/Club is still going strong and I have managed to be there on occasion, but not as often as I should and want to be. Being on the first floor it’s more than tricky to get up and into.

I’ve had a stair lift fitting on the back stairs of Crowley’s but access for transferring onto the stair lift and back into my chair is very precarious, at the bottom as well as at the top of the stairs. Space is very limited and with all the metal work in me, it makes movement even more restricted. I feel very anxious about falling down the stairs. I don’t like it.
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I came up with the idea of me being Crowley’s Rock DJ. I can do that from the chair. I put it to my partner when I was in hospital, that if he ripped out the kitchen, moved the DJ decks to its new station, and built a ramp for me to be high enough to see my crowd and get the party started.

​Nothing came of it apart from my partner one minute saying yeah it can be done to the next minute of hmmm, well, there’s this and that, that will need moving and… blar, blar, blar…

Back home, ideas that my partner and I can do together are coming think and fast. He’s a welder, I can weld. There is a garage behind my house that can be knocked through and a door put in for easy quick access.

We could set up a customise your wheelchair/trike/bike work shop. Customise your ‘personality’ in my partners case lol.

We are both very arty and mechanical in our thoughts. It’s a no brainer, I think.
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We talk a lot about business ideas, well I do, and then it stops. It’s like pulling a fish out of water, with one person thinking it’s for dinner and the other person thinking releasing it back to swim with the memory of a human is better. Totally confused of which direction to swim in without being caught.

I’m at a loss with him, never mind being on my own journey, I’m trying to help him get his up and running. Maybe I should slip in some MDNA. 

If he’s feeling like a lost soul again and wants to quit working in Crowley’s but be back in his garage, then he can go. I have no problem with him doing that.

Talk. Listen. Think. Do Fuk All…?

This is not acceptable to me now after what we’ve both been through. I want both of us to be happy with our acceptance and recognition of the past and embrace the future with confidence in each other.

Am I asking for too much here?

Is he about to follow that fish?

Christmas will soon be upon our pockets with a New Year of Trials and Tribulations for the Mere Mortals of this planet. Starting with a mass spread of herpes, by welcoming in the new year’s resolutions, beginning with a kiss.