Part 1.... chapter 17

OH MY God!!!.... What a crazy, mad and numb feeling I’ve been in for the past 4 days as opposed to the last God knows how long of emotional landslides. It has been so stupidly childish and not feeling real even though it obviously is real. Not what I was expecting at my age. I’ve had and done enough wrongs in my life from my first breath, I’m now 35 years old and shit is still happening….

Well, waking up the following morning after the night before, with the bright golden sun reminding me I was still alive and on the bed freezing with sore bruises all over. It didn’t fill me with great joy. After that crazy dimension my partner and I were in that night, he has left, to “sort his head out”. His words. I don’t know where he’s gone or for how long. He’s just gone… Run away, run away, run away…. 

On that morning it was back to business as usual in a way, but only as far as the pub was concerned. While I had been cuddling my bag all night sleeping, my partner had been awake cleaning up all the smashed glass behind the bar. He re-fitted the optics to hold the spirit bottles, finished cleaning the beer lines and all the cleaning of the pub before opening the doors he had tried to throw me out of to welcome in the staff to work.

Once all of this was complete he came up to the flat to tell me that the pub was ready to open and that he had to go away for a few days. I said it was time for him to think and come to a decision of what he wanted to do. The business was mine; we both knew that. But was he? That we didn’t know. He said he was sorry for what he had said and done. Calling me by his EX wife’s name, grabbing me around the throat. He just didn’t understand it himself, as to why he reacted the way he did….

Should I be satisfied and take that as a reasonable answer? No. Because I know why I did what I done. I know who I am and why I executed the actions he received. The problem is between him and me. If he can’t see that, then why am I waiting to see if his head and heart come together with the right longing. That being said, are we just having a minor setback for the first time in our relationship. Will true love conker all? We can all but dream….

Anyway what’s done is done. What’s said has been said and with that you can’t go back. You can only try to understand, rectify, clarify and execute your next move before the tower comes tumbling down upon you.

My life’s direction at this moment in time, has left me feeling I know no more in which way the path turns. I seem to be in the middle of a crossroads right now, not bothered if my partner for once in his life could man up. Be honest with his emotional self. Take control of the decision and just fuck off for good and stop wasting my time thinking we could re-ignite our relationship. Or bring the spark back. I’m always up for excitement, he should know that…. But no, I think we both know this relationship has come to its end. He doesn’t like the journey we started with the second business. I feel that from him, although I’m sure he would never say that. That’s what I feel is the problem here. I could be wrong. I’ll never know. What I do know is that my partner has deep trouble opening up on how he really feels emotionally in a relationship. He uses the famous three little words “I Love You”. At one point in the early days of our relationship it was becoming a repetitive groan in my ear and I asked him to stop saying it all the time. It was at the end of every phone call, everytime he left the house, every night before sleep etc, etc, everyday…. Why do some people keep saying that to their partner? In my thinking right now my partner is a pondering soul, a wanderer. Waiting for the other to decide what the best course of action to take is….

If he comes back with no understanding or wanting of a relationship, my head and heart has lost nothing. One door will close while another opens. My goal in life at the moment is to straighten my path and carry on with my mini empire and acquire more property and another one or two businesses. And most of all get my sex life up and running…. ;-)